The First Annual Knucklehead Smiff Aviation Award – The Ree-dik-er-uth
Knucklehead Smiff for whom the AKSA award is named after.
In the 1950s and 1960s, children (and many future aviation folks) enjoyed Winchell Mahoney Time – “Scotty-Wotty- Doo Doo!” – for the daily back-and-forth between Jerry Mahoney and his side kick, Knucklehead Smiff. In those days, the human ventriloquist, Paul Winchell, purposely mispronounced Knucklehead’s responses, like calling Mister Winchell, ‘Mister Winkle’. However, Knucklehead’s most famous verbal faux pas was the term, “Ree-dik-er-uth,” meaning outlandishly silly, hard to believe, just plain absurd.
Paul Winchell and his ventriloquial figures Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smiff
Why, then, Knucklehead Smiff? Knucklehead Smiff was no ordinary ventriloquial figure; he was a child who made both adults and children laugh for his honest view of life. He questioned the absurd, seeking to make common sense out of the silly. Dialogues between him and Winchell, usually began with Smiff learning a lesson about life. However, it was usually when Winchell saw Smiff’s point of view, that he grasped the honesty. In aviation, whether on the government or industry side, bureaucrats and upper management always paint a rosy picture where just the opposite exists. Smiff’s childlike innocence, his curious nature, would look at aviation today and say, unabashedly, “The Emperor has no clothes.”
Therefore, common sense needs to highlight the preposterous with the First (hopefully the last) Annual Knucklehead Smiff Aviation (AKSA) Awards presentation. The acronym is on purpose because the intent is at the end of this article, you’ll AKSA lot of questions. These top ten aviation awards are to call attention to safety absurdity. Hopefully when we shake our heads at this collection, kick back an aspirin or two, we’ll once again catch our breath and think, ‘Oh, this has got to stop’.
#10. The FAA’s absent oversight: For going on four years, the FAA has pretty much been asleep at the controls. As Boeing’s departing door demonstrated in grand example, the ‘mice’ that’ve been playing have been doing so NOT because the ‘cat’ is away, but because many cats have been on their computers pushing to telework … permanently. Some FAA personnel have even moved several states away from their office domicile areas. What about international office responsibilities, such as foreign operators and repair stations requiring FAA supervision? When was the last time FAA persons conducted on-site oversight in these foreign certificates’ places of business? Indeed, how long has it been?
#9. Japan Airlines flight 516 vs. British Airways flight 2276: Although not the AKSA award winner, Japan Airlines 516 stands in stark contrast with actual AKSA award winners from such shining examples as British Airways 2276 and its ignorant passengers. After the Japan Airlines Airbus A350 came to a stop – engulfed in flames – the passengers, flight attendants, and pilots acted calmly. Passengers exited the aircraft without the mob-mentality, following the flight attendants’ instructions completely. In contrast, British Airways 2276 also burned on a runway – in Las Vegas. In that case, many passengers ignored the preflight briefing while playing on their phones. These passengers then selfishly blocked the aisles to get their luggage, which increased the chance someone’s child, grandparent, mother, father, or sibling could have died in the survivable escape. Those people are the most dangerous: armies of the self-absorbed. And to those who were photographed with your luggage, you’re an extra special kind of self-absorbed, the clueless type.
#8. Alaska Airlines door departure: this AKSA winning event isn’t focused on the tragedy of the door departure but that we actually trusted people to make sure it would never happen. The FAA’s Steve Dickson, just before he ‘chose’ to retire two years earlier, warned that Boeing engineers were not qualified, that FAA regulators had been falling on their swords … for years. Like all ‘told-ya-sos’ that take years to come to fruition, Boeing’s irresponsibility with outside vendors came home to roost; the loss of control of Quality Control just emphasized Mr. Dickson’s warning. And to all you airline upper management: What did you think was going to happen when you accepted delivery despite the warning signs? Stop acting surprised. It is hard to imagine anyone more deserving of the Ree-dik-er-uth award than Boeing’s and the head-scratching airlines’ execs.
#7. Delta 982 Nose Gear Tire: The Delta 757 nose tire departure event represents everything wrong with aviation today, particularly commercial aviation. Why? Because this is just the beginning … and it ain’t just Delta. A Boeing narrow body nose tire is one of the simplest maintenance items; it takes 45 minutes to replace … with a 15-minute break. It consists of these procedures, in order of installation: dust seal on the axle, inner bearing, tire, outer bearing, lock ring, washer, axle nut, torque to the right value, then safety bolt. Easy-peasy. One has to really try to foul a nose tire installation. It appears they worked harder at getting it wrong than it took to get it right. Think about it: if they can’t get something this simple right, how will they do with the difficult things? What was predictable – pretty sad – was how many in the media tied the B757 nose tire to the Alaska Airlines door departure because a B757 is a Boeing product. Some inane logic understood only by media Stepford reporters says thirty-year old B757s should always be tied to four-month-old 737s because … you know … it’s a BOEING!!! In the coming years there’ll be more AKSA awards in both maintenance and operations that will make this scary faux pas look normal. Meanwhile, we’ll remain in a state of denial.
#6. FAA Training Logic: The FAA is discovering safety problems are like holes: the more you take away from safety the bigger the problems get. The FAA’s upper management (MGMT) has been budgeting safety out of aviation for years and the problems keep getting bigger. With the inverse logic FAA upper MGMT is famous for, the FAA Academy decided to cut instructor pay and move to full virtual training through the upcoming year, with a possible plan to have unqualified ‘instructors’ teach by only reading prepared slides – no questions allowed. Many contract instructors left for better private sector opportunities made possible by FAA upper MGMT’s incompetence in other areas (See AKSA awards #10 and #4). Not to be outdone – even by themselves – the FAA Academy’s upper MGMT invested heavily into virtual training and making obsolete millions of dollars of recent upgrades. Employing “J. Bruce Ismay-Full-Speed-Ahead” logic, FAA upper MGMT discarded the world-famous aviation training machine so they could get bonuses for … wait for it … SAVING MONEY. But when Congress wakes up from their money-spending slumber they’ll make the FAA Academy put the training programs back using taxpayer money at costs that will rival a medium-sized country’s annual GDP. That … ladies and gentlemen, is known as government logic.
#5. Pratt and Whitney’s PW1100G engine: A favored nominee for the How-Long-Will-This-Last award, is this summer’s installation. Wait, you don’t remember? That the PW1100G engine has had some serious recalls? The PW1100 powers such popular airliners as the A320neo. Now a good number of active engines will be pulled for repairs, which put average out-of-service-per-engine times at 300 days … per engine. Some airliners will have one engine pulled and some will have both engines pulled. For those whose fleets rely heavily on the A320neo – and there’s quite a few who will be crippled by this recall – they’re reduced to running around looking for anything with wings to haul passengers. Maybe they’ll get some retired DC-6s, the Spruce Goose, or the Wright Flyer. With the 737-MAX conundrum still putting available airliners into question, the pickings will be razor thin. Last estimate of costs to air carriers? That is, for those that survive? It'll be lots and lots … and lots of money. Oh, and lots and lots and lots of jobs.
#4. FAA DEI policies: In the “I gotta bridge to sell you” category is probably the most devastating to the flying public: FAA upper MGMT’s adoption of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) hiring practices. It’s impossible to put into words the violation of safety DEI principles and policies represent. While FAA acting directors promoted the useless policies before jumping into lucrative private sector jobs, the DEI policies will corrupt hiring for years at air operators and government positions. As if the FAA doesn’t have enough problems … RIGHT? Also, the DEI policies represent another FAA upper MGMT failure, namely allowing the collapse of the FAA’s effective ISO 9001 program. The FAA had been working toward internal consistency with ISO 9001 audits since 2007. Ironically, the ISO 9001 audits would’ve drawn much-needed attention to the dangers to aviation safety that DEI policies represent. FAA upper MGMT allowed (intentionally?) for the ISO 9001 audits to die under the cover of CØVID, thus allowing radical policies that corrupt aviation safety to lie unseen – festering – under the radar. If only FAA upper MGMT worked this hard to make things safer.
#3. Secretary Department of Transportation (SECDOT) priorities: SECDOTs through the last decades go back from Buttigieg to Chao, Foxx, LaHood, Peters to Mineta. How has this cast of bureaucrats benefited transportation safety? Well, racist roads were called out for what they were, namely roads … with Robert Byrd complexes. Then it was discovered more white guys were working in construction sites, which was … important WHY? Then the national supply chain came to a halt due to … paternity leave? But more importantly, these SECDOTs have done more to neuter the FAA’s authority than even the FAA upper MGMT did. And that takes some doing. The changes in the Title 14 regulations relating to aviation are slowly reducing any authority the FAA has, making the FAA aviation safety inspector (ASI) workforce … ineffective. If the FAA ASIs become ineffective, then the FAA eventually becomes ineffective and will probably be phased out. It’s a sure thing upper MGMT will land on its feet. Does that sound far-fetched? Give it a few years, you’ll see. Oversight and control problems of air traffic control and aircraft maintenance schooling and training is just the beginning.
#2. The NTSB’s Alaska door fiasco: An AKSA award shouldn’t be given to the NTSB … or should it? In the ‘You-gotta-be-kidding’ category, an NTSB Board member recently went personally to a Washington professor’s backyard where Alaska Airline’s departed door was found and stood for a couple of ‘Happy Snaps’. The Board Member apparently felt the tragic event deserved some ear-to-ear trophy smiles instead of a sobering reaction to the disaster that might’ve been. A few thousand feet higher and the Alaska Airlines door event could’ve closely resembled that of United 811. It’s unfortunate these serious failures in aviation safety are treated so indifferently; to display evidence like it was a blue marlin to be photographed with is unprofessional. The Kodak moment was followed by a press conference that again focused on the Board Member taking the podium and giving up the podium and taking the podium, like it was a hoe-down, an unscripted mess, unbecoming of the respect and importance such safety coverage demands. Make no mistake, the Alaska door departure was a tragedy, albeit one without a fatality. Much of the tragedy is yet to come in career front-line employee layoffs and finger-pointing. To all NTSB Board Members, save the antics until the hearing and sunshine meeting where serious aviation people expect you will be a spectacle.
#1. Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun’s apology: In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes … and people saying, “Gee, I’m sorry”, like Opie Taylor killing a robin with a slingshot. It was Boeing’s big cringe moment, when AKSA winner Boeing CEO, Dave Calhoun ‘apologized’ for the Alaska door departure. It wasn’t clear what Calhoun was apologizing for without any evidence presented, but there wasn’t a dry eye among the Stepford media. Shouts of Calhoun’s bravery was everywhere. Calhoun responded with an “Aw Shucks” smile and added a modest bow of the head. Nothing screams “INSINCERE” than when one apologizes just to apologize. Then, magically, people backed off. Fast forward to a hearing where Calhoun was front and center, he said he was, “… sort of glad they [the FAA] called out a pause …”. Question: Doesn’t being chief executive officer mean Calhoun himself could’ve called a pause? Didn’t he wield the power? Wasn’t he privy to all the 737-MAX data and specs and cost information? Couldn’t someone on his staff remind him who he was? This is the problem: the chief executive officer of Boeing needs the FAA to tell him how to do his job. Makes one wonder: Who’s running Boeing? It sure ain’t Mr. Calhoun; he’s just a figurehead. He’ll get his golden parachute and be quite merry, thank you very much. So, the next question is: How many airline executives have been party to Mr. Calhoun’s inept leadership, took delivery of airliners with known flaws? Hmmmm! Bolts are just a symptom, while you, Mr. Calhoun, are one of the root causes.
Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s it for this year. The first annual AKSA awards will enter history as Aviation Safety’s Rotten Tomato or the Rowan and Martin Fickle Finger of Fate, all prestigious recognitions of people who tried to fail, and did so fantastically. The producers hope the First Annual Knucklehead Smiff Aviation award will be the last, but let’s face it folks, this could go on for decades.